Letter: How Do I Move Forward After A Contentious Divorce?

Letters From Our Readers

Hi Susan,

I like your site and was excited for your workbook to come out because I knew it would help me.

My divorce took seven years to finalize.  During those long years my life was turned upside down so many times.  It’s over so I should be ready to start new.  I have tried to pick up and start over in the past seven years and it never worked.   Two serious relationships didn’t work out because of the stuff I was going through with my husband at the time.  I just want to be happy.  Any ideas for me?

Samantha.  My friends call me Sam.

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Hi Sam,

Seven years is a long time to drag out a divorce so it is no wonder that you don’t feel overly optimistic about starting over.

One component of a toxic divorce is the starting over several times during the process.  With a “normal” divorce, everything is up in the air until the divorce finalizes.  Afterwards, the parties can begin to rebuild their lives and go on their way.

When a divorce drags out for seven years, its impossible to regroup and move on with your life.  Each time you try to , something else sidelines the process.  So you end up doing it over and over to no avail.  This is why I tell my clients to find attorneys who will keep the divorce process between 12-18 months.  There is no reason for a divorce to take much longer than 18 months.

I am sorry to learn about your two failed relationships during that time.  Developing and maintaining a healthy long term relationship, while going through a contentious “never ending” divorce is almost impossible.

The good news, Sam, is that you are done – finally.  The divorce is over.  You can regroup. You can date. You can live your life the way you want to.  This time, without interference.  It sounds like you doubt that process.  When you do doubt your ability to have your own life back,  think  how you were able to pick  up and regroup while you were in uncertain territory.  It ill take a little more energy this time.  That said, this time really is the charm.  You are free and clear to do things your way!!

Please let me know how things turn out.

Best —

Susan