From The Workbook: The Importance of Emotional Support During and After Divorce

From: The Divorce Recovery Laddery Workbook

A therapist once told me that this experience will show me who my real friends were.  No truer words were ever spoken.  Because your (ex)spouse is charming and engaging (how did I know that), expect some people to align themselves with your (ex)spouse.  Your (ex)spouse may go as far as to create smear campaigns chocked full of lies about you, and your children, in order to gain sympathy from people.  There is nothing more upsetting than to have people doubt your word.  The truth serum ends up being time, but until then, it is extremely frustrating and frightening to have your (ex)spouse manipulate and trick people to believe the worst about you.  As time moves on, the veil of deception and lies becomes more transparent especially as some of the followers become victims too.

You don’t need a cavalcade of people to believe you, rather just one or two very close confidants.  Your support system will wane after some time.  This has nothing to do with you personally or people’s love for and devotion to you, but rather with their short attention span.

Your support system will wane after some time.  This has nothing to do with you or people’s love for you, but rather with their short attention span.  At the onset of your situation, your friends and family will rally around you, but after a while people’s interests change.  It is not dissimilar to how people, on a whole, respond to tragic world events.  Think of earthquakes, plane crashes, floods and fires.  These stories play all over the news for days and then disappear as fast as they came.  It is human nature, en masse, to decide when people have had enough and the story becomes — well, is no longer a story.  It is not that people don’t care about you.  They do.  It’s just that they move on.

Most people make the assumption that once you are divorced, all the drama will stop, your life is your own and you can move on.  It challenges anyone to understand, and believe, the consistency of your ex’s abuse and how it doesn’t end with divorce.  Often times, it is after the divorce that the contention escalates to a higher level.  Your ex may have adopted the “How dare you divorce me.  You will pay for this.” mentality.  Most “normal” people don’t understand that.  In fact, as time moves on, and the chaos continues, some people may actually assume that you have something to do with creating the contention longevity.  You may have people comment that “there are two sides to a pancake,” or the such.”  While that may be true, the only part of the “two” in that old adage is you want to be left alone.

Critical for your recovery is a nurturing and loving support system.  It stands to reason that you should only surround yourself with supportive loving people.